Tue, Jul. 25th, 2006, 04:06 am
I haven't written in this thing for a looooong time. I guess I'll give in and perhaps update it now and then. Actually, I probably won't. My life has become just about THE most boring subject on earth. Basically, I stay at home all of the time. Occasionally I'll go out with Liz. The past two weekends I've spent at Bobby's house, so that's pretty cool. Next weekend I'm going to Maryland again... and then the following weekend is Kandice's Christening... then BACK TO SCHOOL! I cannot wait. I need a routine. I need my own space.
Let's see... So far this summer has sucked. I have no job (motherfucking acme bastards) I tried to find employment up until about two weeks ago when I realized that there was no point since summer's just about over. I've been thinking about staying at school next summer and working on campus. I really think that will be the best thing for me. The only thing that's really left in Freehold is Liz and my family. And frankly, my family drives me nuts. Liz is still a blast though, haha.
I've fallen into my usual bummy mood. I'll find excuses to sleep in. I'll sit on my computer all day. I'll blow people off. It's not intentional... I think it's because I'm depressed again. I just have no energy or anything. It's been bothering me for a while, but I just keep telling myself that it will go away once I get back to school. I hope it does because I hate when I get like this.
I've gained weight. Not a lot, but enough to make me upset about it. I've accepted the fact that I'll never be skinny, but I just don't want to get any fatter, ya know? I'm hoping the three pairs of pants that still fit me will last until I get to school so I can try and get back to normal and not have to buy the next size up. God, the day I'm wearing pants that are single-digit sizes will be the day I am 95 years old and withering away to nothing because my family hates me and throws me into a nursing home. Yea, now I'm bitching about how my not-even-born-yet children will mistreat me. I need a fucking life.
Sometimes, I just really don't know what to do with myself. Why can't I just be happy for a good period of time? I waited all summer to come back to school, but now it's turning out to be less fun than I expected.
I recently realized that I have no real friends here. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no one I can pour my heart out to. I have Bobby, but there are things a girl doesn't want to discuss with a guy, simply because he wouldn't understand. I left my freshman year with roughly two girl friends. Yea, I still talk to them, but nothing like last year. I can't really get too close with my residents, I've gotta be the level-headed RA. I feel very detached from the other RA's in my building, they all seem too busy with their own situations to deal with getting to know someone like me. I feel like the ghost on staff. I bet if you asked another RA in my building to describe my personality, very few would be able to answer. I'm almost afraid of being myself around them, like they wouldn't get it. I joke around a little with them now, but most of the time they just look at me like I'm insane.
I also realized that I only really have one or two friends back home, too. I'm afraid to say I feel like I'm losing one of the closest people in my life. It seems like yesterday we were having fun and now, I can't even remember the last conversation I had with her. It's not even like this started once we got back to school, either. We live five minutes away from each other and I can count how many times I saw her over the summer. Why? I wonder if she notices. We'll see.
I spent a majority of today crying. Thinking, and crying. I cried during my speech in my Public Speaking class. I talked about my Grandpa. I don't know why I cried. My tears didn't flow that freely and uncontrollably a year ago, why now? Maybe it's set it? Maybe I'm just over emotional. I don't know. Either way, I wanted to disappear in my class. I hated it. I haven't cried in school since middle school when I was ridiculed for being a "Cry Baby." I cried about three hours ago while talking to virtually my only friend. I cried because I don't know what to do with myself here. I have no friends, I'm frustrated, I live alone, and I'm a ghost.
What happened to me? For a while I had been free of my shell and I loved it... What happened to make me fall back into the role of the quiet girl?
I've basically made my decision, I'm going to join a Sorority. I never EVER thought I would, but I guess I've changed. I long for the girly camaraderie that I once feared. My Grandma would definitely not like the idea that I'd be joining a sorority; her views of Greek life are pretty old fashioned and pessimistic. I understand her reasons, but I'm sure she would rather see me happy and surrounded by friends here than alone and sad. Maybe this is what I need to break out of my reformed shell.
well, i'm back at school... YAAAY! seriously, i am so happy i'm back. so much stress is lifted from my shoulders...
there's some new stress that comes with the RA position, but so far i've been handling it. the girls in my hall are all really sweet and friendly... i hope it stays that way.
i don't really know what else to write, everything's been pretty good. :D
1)Which person you know has changed you the most? My mom
2)What song best describes you? That's hard... "dy'er ma'ker" by Led zeppelin, i guess... i don't know what it's about, except he really wants to know.
3)What famous person do people say you look most like? No one.
4)If you could relive any moment of your life, what would it be and why? December 1, 2004.. It was a gooood night.
5)Who is the most thought-provoking person you know, and why? I don't know...
6)What do you think is your best quality? I like my attitude in general.
7)What do you think is the best quality a person can have? Understanding.
8)Who is the most inspiring person you know? IDk
9)What is something you've always wanted to do? Go to Europe (Ireland and England)
10)If you had to lose one of the five senses, which would you be willing to lose first? Smell
1)What one song do you think is overplayed way too much? Anything rap
2)What's the highest score you've ever bowled? Haha... A little over 100
3)Describe the weirdest pair of pants you own. I used to have yellow pajama pants with pink elephants on them.
4)What is your favorite fast food restaurant and what do you usually get there? Wendy's - 5 Piece, Jr Bacon, and a Lemonade, no ice.
5)Do you have anything written on your hands right now? If so, what? No
6)What is the weirdest conversation you've ever had with anybody? I would have to say when Bobby was rambling about how Chic Fil A "invented" the chicken sandwich... He was drunk... It was great.
7)Describe the funniest part of a movie you've ever seen. In Bruce Almighty, when Jim Carey is putting words into the other anchorguy's mouth... That was hilarious.
8)Are you wearing socks? If so, what do they look like? No
9)What's your most prized possession (an object) that you couldn't live without? My favorite Jeans.
10)What do you think was the hardest question on this survey? What song described me.
movie watched:x:: Edward Scissorhands
book read:x:: White Oleander
time you cried:x:: Friday
time you brushed your hair:x:: This morning... I think I'll do it now.
time you felt love:x:: Everyday!
word said out loud:x:: idk
time you were sick:x:: idk
email you wrote:x:: I think it was to Meghan
magazine you read:x:: People
song you heard:x:: That Norah Jones song
cd you listened to:x:: Black Sabbath, "Paranoid"
assignment you did:x:: I think it was my Comp Portfolio like 3 months ago.
time you were excited:x:: Friday, when I left for MD
time you laughed:x:: Today
person you talked to:x:: Jane
play/concert you saw:x:: Ozzfest 2005
person you kissed:x:: Bobby
person who kissed you:x:: Bobby
:x:have you ever:x:
done drugs:x:: Meh... never again.
had sex:x:: Hmm.... :D
had a sexual experience (doesn't have to be actual sex):x:: duh.
cried because of someone of the same sex:x:: Yes - Mom
cried because of someone of the opposite sex:x:: Yes - Brother
kissed someone of the opposite sex:x:: You know it!
kissed someone of the same sex:x:: Only relatives
had a huge crush on someone:x:: Who hasn't?
had a boyfriend:x:: Yep!
how about a lover:x:: Uh huh!
like long surveys:x:: Sometimes
like surveys at all:x:: Sure
like love:x:: I love it!
eat too much:x:: Yes
a happy person:x:: Most of the time
a nice person:x:: I try to be
happy with how you look:x:: Ehh... it depends.
do you especially like darkness:x:: It's okay.
do you go to school dances:x:: I used to.
do you like them:x:: Moderately.
what do you want to be when you grow up:x:: A teacher
are vampires very dear to your heart:x:: uhh no
how about monkeys:x:: No
do you have pets:x:: Yep! 3 dogs, Sandy, Gizmo, and Yukon
brothers:x:: Yes - 2, Joe and Jim
are you parents together:x:: Yea, they'd never be able to find someone else to put up with their crap.
or are they divorced:x:: see above.
do you like someone:x:: Like? Love!
do they know:x:: Yea.
do they like you:x:: I hope so.
will you love them until your dying day:x:: We'll see.
does love lift you up where you belong:x:: In cheesey songs, sure.
would you ever kill someone for love:x:: I don't know.
if you could kill one person who would it be:x:: Idk.
do you like reality tv:x:: Not really.
would you buy a cd for just one song:x:: That's the way it's worked out a few times.
could you be lovers? is that a fact:x:: What?
do you know that question 61 62 and 67 are all from moulin rouge:x:: I do now.
is it dumb:x:: I don't care.
do you have friends:x:: Yes, and they're very important to me.
have you ever been in love:x:: Yes.
:x:fill in the blanks:x:
i love_______:x: Bobby
put your hand_____:x:: upon my hip, when i dip, you dip, we dip! (sorry, it's what popped in my head.)
don't_______:x:: eat yellow snow
please ____:x:: knock
roses____:x:: Are red
do______:x:: not enter
he is______:x:: a dork
death is______:x:: final
kicked off the_______:x:: moss
you see i've forgotten______:x:: if they're green or they're blue
i really_____:x:: don't know
i want_______:x:: to go back to school
you can tell everybody_______:x:: To FUCK OFF. (niice dee)
it may be quite simple but________:x:: now that it's done
i hope you don't mind_____:x:: that i put down in words
how wonderful life is_______:x:: now you're in the world. (whoever wrote this survey really dug Moulin Rouge.)
to be______:x:: or not to be
juliet is the______:x:: BITCH!
its a little funny_______:x:: your face.
book:x:: Interview With the Vampire
movie:x:: The Patriot
person:x:: That's hard
food:x:: mac & cheeeese
song:x:: that's hard, too.
place to be kissed:x:: on my neck.
place to be:x:: at Rowan
part of your room:x:: Bed
thing in the world:x:: Love
france or england:x:: England! Screw the French!
life or death:x:: Life
t.v. or movie:x:: movie!
pepsi or coke:x:: ew
pool or hot tub:x:: both
girl or boy:x:: boy
india or switzerland:x:: india
america or canada:x:: america
real life or t.v.:x:: Real life
best friend:x:: Liz, Cara, VOn
funniest:x:: Hmm... everyone has their moments
prettiest:x:: Prolly Nina
cutest:x:: Cara & Liz
most handsome:x:: Bobby
who can make you laugh the most:x:: idk
weirdest:x:: Dee & Cara
most immature:x:: HAH! Me.
fattest:x:: Your Mom
the one you could fall in love with:x:: Already have, Bobby.
the one you would marry:x:: I dunno.
overall greatest:x:: That's hard.
the one you have hated in the past:x:: Idk
farthest away:x:: Sesi
most loved:x:: Bobby
most missed:x:: idk
do you like britney spears:x:: like i like a hole in my head.
christina aguilara:x:: no
what bands do you like:x:: incubus, sublime, led zeppelin, black sabbath
what do you think of punk:x:: meh
avril lavigne:x:: WHORE
taking back sunday:x:: No
coheed and cambra:x:: Yep... Love 'em
do you like jennifer anniston:x:: Yea
brad pitt:x:: OH my GOD YES!
johnny depp:x:: Okay... good actor... not as hot as everyone says.
orlando bloom:x:: Nice to look at, bad actor.
courtney cox:x:: meh
lindsey lohan:x:: Ew
hilary duff:x:: Ew Ew Ew
moulin rouge:x:: Yea, sure.
a walk to remember:x:: it was sweet
10 things i hate about you:x:: heathledgerisreallyhot.
:x:what do you think of:x:
gay marriage:x:: Sure
abortion:x:: Not for me, but not for me to judge, either.
gays in the military:x:: Sure
gays in boyscouts:x:: Sure
lesbians:x:: As long as they don't hit on me.
bisexuality:x:: Not my thing
george bush:x:: Moron.
the war in iraq:x:: Sensless and sad.
the "chemical weapons" in iraq:x:: They were there, in my opinion
well did you like it:x:: what?
i'm gonna be going now:x:: Okay then
8 Days til RU... HELL YES!
I'm supposed to be leaving for Maryland today... but it doesn't look like it's happening... My dad has been trying to fix our van for like 3 days, and no luck. I knew the thing was a piece of crap when we bought it, but no one pays any attention to me.
Last night was an "Acme Party." A decent sized group of us went to Old Country Buffet and watched Mike and Neal go plate-for-plate in an eating contest. I think Mike ended up winning, but I'm not sure. After we got kicked out of the restaurant at closing time, we headed over to a pool hall in Matawan (I think) and hung around til midnight. Yea, Mike Monahan is the MAN when it comes to air hockey. I almost beat him once... But I scored the winning goal on myself (duhhh). After the pool hall, I held on for dear life as Lauren drove me home... She's nuts, but it's funny.
Things I still need to get for school:
4) More socks
18 days left. Thank God. The day I return to Rowan will be the best day I've seen in a while.
It seems like every time I talk to my mother, it turns into a fight. I used to be able to talk to my mom about everything, now even thinking about talking to her pisses me off.
I started crying today. I don't know why... I just cried. That's a lie... I do know why... I just don't want to think about it again.
So apparently I'm two-faced. Oh well. Who cares if I'm two-faced to the people I didn't like to begin with? I don't think it's being two-faced... It's avoiding a fight... If I don't like you, and I'm forced to see you, why would I waste my time being mean and bitchy when I can just keep the peace and keep myself calm?
I hate my house. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Every time I try to change things, I get frustrated, upset, and overwhelmed.
if it keeps on raining
the levee is going to break.
Yea, so no one reads this crap anyways.
I'm burnt and peeling and it hurts a lot. Acme sunblock officially sucks nuts and does not work in the slightest. Sun Poisoning = Hell on Earth.
In a broader statement, Acme in general sucks nuts. Everyone's hours are getting cut. Oh! And the butcher cut off his thumb, too. Gross.
Dr's appointment tomorrow... Yuck. Fair opens tomorrow... Yay.
I need to start eating healthier. Lately, I either don't eat at all, or I eat junk food. Not good.
I cannot wait to go back to school. I long for Rowan. 25 days until I'm there. These are going to be the LONGEST 25 days I have ever experienced.
So yea, if anyone out there reads this crap, let me know... Comments are really courteous.
Well, I just returned from a very good week-long break from Freehold. I've been at Bobby's house since last Saturday. Lemme try to remember all the stuff we did:
Saturday: Got picked up, my mom met his mom.
Sunday: Bobby's family had a baby shower at his house for one of his cousins(?) I met a few of his relatives, but I tried to hide out of sight for most of it. I get so uncomfortable around strangers sometimes, I feel like such a mouse.
Monday: I drove Bobby's car like 24344390 miles to an inspection station. All three of the cars his family owned needed inspecting, and I was stuck driving Bobby's car, which has no AC... it was basically an OVEN.
Tuesday: OZZFEST!!! Holy crap, it was amazing. It was me, Bobby, his bro Pat, and their friend Ryan. We hung at the second stage for a while... It was hot, loud, sweaty, and smokey. I had a good Time, but some of those bands weren't my style. Towards the end, the sun started getting the best of me and I got a little icky-feeling. So, I sat on the ground and relaxed... It's not like I could see the stage anyways, I'm too damn short. Bobby picked me up a few times though, which was very sweet of him.
Then we went over to the main stage for the greatest concert I have ever experienced. Iron Maiden was amazing, and Black Sabbath... OH MY GOD. I have never heard anything so loud and so incredibly awesome in my life! Ozzy is hilarious to watch on stage...
Despite getting terribly sunburnt and having my hearing messed up for a while, I had an amazing time. I will definately go again.
Wednesday: We left for Hershey Park. Two hour drive, not bad. We got to the camp-site and set up. Then we went to the park for a few hours. It was really clean. I mean REALLY CLEAN. Compared to Six Flags, Hershey Park is a hospitol room. I went on a bunch of roller coasters and a few spinning rides.
Thursday: We spent the whole day in the Park. Around 2 or 3, it began to rain. And it didn't look like it was stopping, so we got dinner at 6 and went back to the camp site. By the time we got back to camp, it was done raining. Most of the people in our group went back to the park, but me and Bobby stayed- I was so done with walking.
Friday: We cleaned up camp and headed home. On the way back to Bobby's house, his family randomly stopped at a car dealership and bought a new SUV. It's nice, but really big. Then we went back to his house and hung around for the rest of the night. We started watching a movie, Under The Tuscan Sun. Eh, it was pretty lame. Total middle-aged chick-flick. Divorcee moves to Italy? Woohoo. Oh well. Me and Bobby fall asleep on the floor in each others' arms... it was nice, I missed that.
Today: Got up early, packed, hopped in the car and came home. Of course, when I come home, I get into a fight with my mother. NOT MY FAULT. She's a pain in the ass, totally.
Oh well, Only a matter of time before I go back to school and I'm free from the headache the resides in my house. Seeing Bobby for a week and then leaving again was such a tease. We made the best of it though.
I haven't been truely sad in a while... I'm generally a happy person, and I like being that way. It's fun not to give a fuck about what goes on around me, and know that my small section of the world is a peaceful, happy one. I try to live like that as much as possible, even when I know it's ridiculous and even a little arrogant to be that way. In my opinion, it is better to act happy in order to make those around you feel better than to mope and try to get people to feel sorry for you. True, I like to complain, but most of my complaints end with me smiling and you laughing and some comment I make at my own expense. It doesn't bother me, though... Making someone else laugh is what makes me know that I can make a difference in someone's day.
I can't remember the last time that one thing can make me smile and make me cry at the same time. I don't think there ever was such a thing in my life... Things have always been pretty black and white with me... Either something pisses me off, or it makes me happy - never both. Now, it seems an image of a memory will pop into my head, and I can't decide whether to smile because it happened, or cry because it's so far away.
Sometimes I can't comprehend how someone can love me, while only knowing me for such a short period of time. I'm not complaining, or even doubting my self-worth... I guess I'm just amazed that it's finally happened to me. I'm amazed that someone can love me, and not have to. I feel spoiled at times... but then I realize that I deserve this. I deserve to be happy for once.
I hate distance. I hate being trapped in a place where there will always be something missing. I hate having limited freedom. I hate waiting. I hate hoping. I'm tired of it all. I've waited my entire life, I've hoped my entire life. I've been alone my entire life. For the first time ever, I have someone that makes me so completely happy and satisfied that I feel cheated for all of the years I was unhappy and left wanting.
I hate short phone calls. I hate not being able to say what I want, or hear what I want because of a lack of privacy. I hate that I can't do anything to change it. I hate that I understand why it has to be this way.
I hate having to work to have enough money for a car I'll probably never have. I hate being limited to a town that I've been tortured by for the entire duration of my nineteen years. I hate broken promises from the two people who are supposed to provide for me. I hate doing more than my share, and getting nothing but grief in return.
I don't want to sound like I've been having a terrible time at home... There are a few rays of sunshine in all of this... They know who they are. I feel ungrateful saying this, but there's still something missing. And unfortunately, that void won't be filled until August. Why can't the important pieces of my life be all in one place? I suppose if that were to happen, then there wouldn't be any challenge to life anymore... everything would be easy, everything would be happy, everything would be good. I guess it really is too much to ask.
Last night was awe.some. Yes, I punctuated that. Let's see... after a wonderful day of doing absolutely nothing, I went on a little adventure with Caitlin and Dee. We left Freehold at around 8ish, and headed down to Bay Head (near the beach). We got a tad lost, but we managed to pull through. When we got there, we went to this kid Dee knows, Brandon's house. We watch Napolean Dynomite... strangest movie ever... Somewhere in the middle of the movie, Brandon's friend Chris (?) showed up. After the movie, we headed to Point Pleasant (around 11pm, I guess.) After circling for about a half hour, we finally got parking. We then proceeded to walk up and down the boardwalk until 1:30 in the morning. Cait got stopped by a cop because she was carrying a water bottle with red juice in it...
Piggy: "Miss, What's in the bottle?"
Oinker: "Are you sure there isn't any vodka in that?"
Me: "Take a drink! It's juice."
Bacon: "I Believe you! SUUUUUUUEEEEEWEEEEE!!"
Something along those lines. So yea, we walked the boardwalk, heckled the hos, watched a girl get her heel stuck in the wood planks (she didn't fall though, damnit.) Then we went to a random diner and ate. Then it was baaaack to freehold. I got home around 3:30am. Coolness. However, I slept through my alarm and wound up going into work at 8:30 instead of 8. Super! And today it was insanely busy in Acme. Stupid last minute shoppers. Oh well, I plan on vegging the rest of the day, so I'm happy.